Sexless doesn’t mean “less sex” in the world of my readers, it means “no sex—period.”
Recently I read about a married couple in their mid-30s who had sex “six or so times in the past year,” and the writer made clear, “we’re perfectly happy.” The writer, an anonymous wife who stated her views in redbookmag.com’s article, “Why I’m Happier in a Sexless Marriage,” said her husband’s and her own level of desire are equally matched.
I think that’s great. It’s healthy for her to go public owning that both spouses are sex-satisfied, and I am genuinely glad she is pleased that their degree of attraction and arousal are balanced. “We’re both on the same wave length in terms of how much importance we place on our sex lives.” She then cites the crux of the dilemma for many “no sex” couples, “I believe that problems arise when couples have wildly different sexual needs.”
Bingo. It’s the “wildly different” part that peeves rejected spouses and guilt-trips the disinterested spouse. There’s a common understanding out there in folks’ minds that sex a few times a year means “sexless,” which, of course, is the notion she is speaking about.
But she goes on to say it would be something else altogether “if we suddenly stopped having sex.” Ah, there’s the rub! As with thousands of “no sex,” long-term committed relationships (chronic and persistent rather than infrequent and intermittent) many of the positive factors she names are missing in the love lives of no-sex couples:
- He’s hot!
- He is attracted to me.
- He and I definitely make time for intimacy.
- I’m not a prude.
- I’ve used a vibrator.
- We sleep naked together sometimes.
- We both stay in shape.
- We enjoy sex when it happens.
- We’ve always been like this.
- We are just not super sexual people.
Relationship factors like these are the mark of a healthy union and evidence of solid, two-way communication—hardly descriptors typical of “no sex” couples’ relationships. The forums and blogs which readers of All of Me Wants All of You visit contain a dearth of such essential traits, and that’s why the fictional couple in my novel, Dean and Kate, strive to resurrect their stale and listless love life to new heights of vulnerability, trust, and sensual passion—even to discovering a sacred connection.
How do you rate your relationship? Sex-satisfied? Less sex? No sex? . . . Sound off!